Saturday, May 31, 2014

A Mix of Emotions

I have been wanting to write on here...I really have. But I don't have time anymore to get in the computer and it's so tedious to write from here on my phone, but tonight I have news that I just HAVE to share.

Things have been bumping along. Work is going as welk as a fulk time night job can he expected to be going, and I have realized that a big key to our family's health and happiness lies in my being very intentional about what I do with my days off and how that precious free time is spent.  And there is a fine balance between spending time with the kids, connecting with Jimmy (who I don't even really see at all on the days that I worm since he leaves for work before I get up and I leave for work before he gets home) and finding time for myself, too. I am still working on that balance, which is why I haven't written in so long and why I am writing at 2:40AM.

But today has been a beautiful and a rough day all at the same time. The child that we have been taking to the psychologist has a diagnosis, and even though I knew it was coming, it breaks my heart and hurts to know that no matter what I do, it seems that I will not be able to be the one to teach them and handle them here at home.  And as much as I know that it's not my fault and that there is nothing that Jimmy or did or didn't do that caused this, I still feel like I have failed.  Selfishly, that hurts my pride. Practically, it makes me sad to know that we all have a long road ahead of us and that my child, a child that I birthed and love and would give anything for, will have to deal with this for their whole life, and even though we will work through this and manage this, there is nothing that I can do that can take this away and heal the hurt that it causes.

But I k ow God can. And that is evident in the next piece of news I have to share...

Hazel can roll over now! I know this seems silly, but this is something that we have been working on with her for a while.  She is now 10 months old chronologically,  which is 6 months old adjusted age, and she has had a hard time with her core muscles due to her feeding and breathing tubes and her reflux not allowing her to lay flat.  

But as the time comes closer to the day of her birth, and the memories of all that entailed flood back, I look at my baby, who's small for her age (a little over 12 pounds) and who is 'developmentally delayed' and I hear the echoes of all the prayers that all of you have lifted up for her, and I see just how far she's come.

And in that, I see that if God can take a 1 pound,  seven ounce 24 week micro preemie and turn her into a strong and robust 12 pound baby, He can hold all of our family through whatever may come.

I may be completely in over my head and things may be careening totally out of my control,

But He's got us covered.

And in the sharing, I have found peace and so will now be able to sleep. So thank you for listening, whoever and where ever you are. You are important to me. Your prayers whispered over our family are felt and will have repercussions far beyond what any of us could ever imagine.

Thank you.

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