Sunday, January 5, 2014


Right now, I am really frustrated.

Hazel's nose is stopped up so she hasn't been nursing at all, and so I have to pump and pump to keep up with what she is drinking.  And when I hang a feed, whatever is left in the bag has to be tossed but it is almost impossible to gauge it right because of priming the tubing sometimes takes more or less milk depending on if there are air bubbles in the tubes.  I am also not convinced that the moderator calculates correctly because sometimes it seems that I put in way too much or too little and it never seems to calculate for what I think that I have measured and put in.


Also, our nurse that came on Friday is sick and can't come tomorrow, so we have yet another new nurse for tomorrow, but if our 'regular' is still sick on Tuesday, we will have yet another one til she gets  better.

I like our new nurse well enough, I guess.  I mean it didn't seem like there was instant chemistry or anything, but I'm not sure that it is possible to have that kind of thing in this kind of situation.  I mean, some stranger is coming into our very crazy house and trying to take care of Hazel with me looking over their shoulder all the time.

Also, one of my other children is exhibiting very disturbing behavior and I am worried.  I need to make an appointment for an evaluation, but when?  That's another thing that I must do tomorrow.

I am light years behind in schooling and I am supposed to start back up tomorrow, and you are looking at one unprepared homeschooling mom.

So then, why am I on here instead of over there in that corner getting myself ready for the onslaught tomorrow?

Because I'm burnt out.

The days are pushing together.  I don't really leave the house, and if I do leave the house, I have to take everyone with me.  That usually doesn't bother me, but this one child is driving me crazy!  From morning til night, it is constant whining, crying and fighting.  I am hoping that school will help, but then I am defeating myself by not preparing more than I already am.  I plan to just pick up where we left off in September when everything went to pot and came to a screeching halt.  Yes, I'm that far behind.

Well, except for Elizabeth.  She has been keeping up with her work for the most part.  But if she doesn't finish her science, she's not going to Kung Fu in January.  Oh, wait.  It is January and she's not done.  So I guess she's not going.  But she's out there playing some video game with Jimmy, so I guess she's not going to miss Kung Fu as much as I thought (hoped?) she would.  I hate nagging, but I can't seem to find the trigger that will make her just get this class done!

The days are about survival, the nights are about snatching snippets of sleep between feedings, and I'm about to crumble.  I haven't been to church in weeks, and I'm missing my life.  The one that was hard, but do-able.  I don't even know what this life that I have now is.  Everything is a juggle of people, time and space, and I feel that the lion's share of it is falling on my shoulders.

I am feeling weighed down and bent.

Maybe it's God waiting for me to hit my knees and finally look up again

and breathe Him in.

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