A Decision Made

The baby kicks
A fluttering reminder of the new life
That will soon join ours.

I sit and think in wonder about this little child,
This little being who has already changed our lives tremendously

Jimmy and I together have decided, with our boss at work, that after this baby is born, I will not return to work. 

I am so excited.

and terrified.

This is a HUGE decision.

I have never ever been a stay at home mom.  I have been a involved-my-child-in-my-work-at-home-mom, running a child care center for school age children in my house, and I have been a take-my-child-to-work-with-me-mom, when I worked at the school and Elizabeth was my sidekick, and I have been a work-at-home-mom, working at the computer while my mother-in-law watched the kids in the other room, and I have been a leave-my-kids-at-home-while-I-work-mom, but I have never been a stay-at-home-and-focus-on-my-family-mom.

Not that I don't focus on my family, but perhaps some of you out there know what I mean.

That means that I have 5 months left to work.

And 5 months left to train Jimmy to take my place at my job. 

Five months is a long time.

Five months is no time at all.

I am a wreck of hormones and stress. 

We have never left the kids home with any one other than family...until this last week.  My mother-in-law got a job outside the house and so we have had someone come in and watch the kids.  I love her.  She is an awesome lady and the kids seem to really like her,

But she's not me

and she not their Gramma Uita.

So I go to work everyday with my heart and my mind sitting on the front step, looking in the windows while I am trying to concentrate on getting my work done and being sure that Jimmy is understanding what is being done. 


John, our boss, has agreed to let Jimmy try to take my place, so that he can pay him like he pays me now, but he has said that he has his doubts. 

That means that we are cutting out two-thirds of our family income and hopingpraying that Jimmy will aleve John's doubts and prove to him that he deserves to be paid as much as I am getting paid now. 

And if not?

Well, let's just not go there right now.

But...

If things go well, this could really be an exciting time of change for the company, as well!  Jimmy is much better than me at some of the things that I am expected to do, and I know that there is the perfect marketing person out there just dying to work for a growing company like the one we work at.  So basically, the bottom line is that I am good at what I do, and I believe that I do it to the best of my ability.  And there are some aspects of what I do that Jimmy just won't be able to do.  But since I am CAPABLE of doing things, I end up doing them even though I may not be the BEST person for it simply because there is no money or reason to hire anyone else right now (like marketing and the website). 

You see?  With Jimmy doing better at the things that I'm not as good at, like the website, he can help increase sales there, while the things, like marketing, that he can't do, will HAVE to be done by someone, so this will force the company to find the right guy to do that...which will mean...GROWTH! 

And all of this comes at the tail end of a profitable contract with the new Martin Luther King, Jr Memorial, which should give the company enough cashflow to be able to hire someone else to market.

This also means that our other part-time lady, who wants/needs to be full time, will be able to take Jimmy's spot in assembly and get the hours that she needs, and we will be able to hang on to her rather than lose her to a different full time job.  She is an excellent worker and if she left, it would be a great loss for the company.

And I have been wanting to be at home for a long time now. 

But that doesn't mean that I am not afraid.

Of what?

Well, the loss of income, for one,

But also, I am afraid because I have never done this before, and it is a total different mindset to be at home than to be at work.   Can I do it?

I don't even know how to put this into words right now. 

Do any of you who have experience in this have any words of wisdom to share with me? 

(Jimmy would appreciate it)