Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Don't Worry About Me

I love writing.  I love my sweet baby Hazel Grace, and I love my family.

And we are all going through a really hard time right now.  Sweet Hazel struggles to breathe, the kids all struggle to understand, we all struggle to accept.

Who are we? What is our new role in the family? Where do we fit in? How do we maintain our autonomy and work together as a team, too? How do we give without giving too much and take without taking too much?

Who will we be at the end of the day...when Hazel Grace comes home and slides herself into the new pattern that will become our everyday life?

These are my struggles. These are the things that I push against, lean against, kick against, yell at, pray for, accept, reject and reinvent everyday.

And this blog is where I work things through. You are my sounding board.

Sometimes, in the dark times, the words pound themselves out of me onto the screen, gush from my fingers like so many tears or strangle out like the last choking breath of a hanged man.

And sometimes, in the bright times, the words jump out, spill out, dance joyfully out from my heart to laugh their way from my world into yours.

But those are moments. This blog here is not me, it is my moments.

Some moments hurt, some moments sting, and some moments float, carry and revive.

But I am ok.

Seriously, I'm ok. Don't worry about me.

Pray for me, love on me, offer help if you want, and I promise I will take you up on it if we need it, but don't worry.

I love my kids, I love my family, and, yes, I love myself.  It's hard, but it's bearable. I've never been through something like this, but I will come through one way or another.  We all will.

And there will be lessons learned and deeper relations forged and one day I will know the why of it all...

Or maybe not.

But that's ok.

And I love it that you are here with me. I love your prayers, comments and encouragement. Sometimes just knowing that you are there listening calms my heart and brings peace.

But don't worry about me.

I'm ok.

Really, I am.

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