Be still and know.
Be still and know that He is GOD.
Be still and know...that He is faithful.
I'm feeling sad, bad, emotional...you name it, I'm there...today.
I just got done reading one of my favorite blogs, and she wrote about homeschooling and some of the different approaches to it, and it just made me feel like I wanted to cry.
Ok, so to settle the rumors (and this will tell who REALLY reads my blog! heehee) I will say it here for everyone to know...
Jimmy and I are expecting another little one due in February. This is earlier than I usually tell the general public, but since I told my Women's Bible study on Tuesday, Jimmy said it was only fair that he post it on his facebook for his family in El Salvador, and so word got out and the curiosity has been flying.
That said, and acknowledging that that may be a large part of WHY I am feeling all these things, there is also another layer to the cake. (Mmmmm....cake...)
My in laws, who live with us and watch Gabriel and Jo during the day while Jimmy and I work from 9-5, have decided to look for work outside of the house. This means that Little Gabriel, who has only known the warmth of his Mommy and Gramma Uieta, will have to be given to someone else for 8 long hours of the day, while I get only a few short hours to try to feed and bathe him before he goes to sleep. I am not sure what we are going to do with Jo because we can't afford to pay childcare for 2 kids, so she may come with us to work at least some of the time until she starts school again in September.
But this is not what I want for m life nor for the life of my kids, but I feel that I don't have a choice. I know that a lot of people say that everyone has a choice, and that the lifestyle that someone has chosen has made it impossible for a parent to stay home, but if that is so, then it is the husband that I believe that God brought into my life who was my 'lifestyle choice' if you will, and I have a hard time believing that. Jimmy just does not have as much earning power as I do right here, right now. I firmly believe that with God's help, he will, but right now, he just doesn't. So, I have to work, and so that I do not have to work crazy hours and overtime, he works, too. Otherwise, he could be home with the kids and I could be gone all day and late into the evening, but I don't think that is the right choice, either.
So reading about homeschool choices and thinking about how much I would love to homeschool our kids breaks my heart. I feel stagnant in my job right now, but I also feel trapped by the workload that I can't turn away from right now, because my boss depends on me and I do not think that it would be right to let him down, and by the security of the paycheck that is steady and dependable.
So do I leave my most precious possessions, if you will, in the care of someone else? Do I go out on a limb and quit? But then how do we pay the mortgage? How do we pay the lights and the food?
And as my belly slowly begins to swell with a new life, my heart beats just a little faster in excitement of bringing a new little one into the world and into our family, but then it drops just a little more each time with the thought of birthing a child only to have to turn her over to a stranger's arms for care and upbringing.
This is not the way God designed it. Children need to be with the ones who love them most so that they can grow to be their best in God's plan.
So today, right now, my heart is heavy and my eyes look to heaven.
There is a solution. There is an answer. We will find it, and it will work.
It's just the waiting and the being still that is so hard.