Saturday, August 31, 2013

Joining the Club

Hazel joined a new club today...

She's in the 2 pounder club!  Yay!

Today, our sweet baby Hazel Grace hit the 2 pound mark just one day after her one month birthday.

Actually, in the NICU, they don't have a 2 pounder club, they have the 'Kilo Club' but Hazel's not invited to that club yet, so we made up the 'Two Pounder Club' so she wouldn't feel left out.

See?  We are overindulging soccer club parents already...where everyone gets a trophy just for lacing their cleats!

But honestly, Hazel looked absolutely wonderful today.  Even the doctor said that she looked really good today.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm not being naive in being content that she looks good when I know that the problem that she has is buried deep within her lungs.  Do I have a false sense of security merely because she appears to be a healthy baby?

But than I realize that I guess it doesn't really matter.  Intellectually, I know what her issue is, and I'm not denying it nor its severity, so who cares if emotionally I can look at her, see her as beautiful, and feel good about that.  

But either way, her coloring is great, she was peaceful and she just looks bigger...

even though she's only gained 9 ounces since she was born.  Maybe it's her new status in our made up club.  But aside from her lungs, she is thriving.  That's not just in my mind.  Even the doctors say it.

She is perfectly fine...

except for her lungs.

And in that, I rejoice and grieve at the same time.

I struggle with accepting the fact that she is so perfect and yet has such a problem that sets her up for so many possibilities of brain damage and delay...

and yet, it is comforting to know that as she receives the interventions necessary to heal her lungs, she is starting from a clean slate and not adding potential damage to something that is already struggling.

And either way, today...well, today, she looked great.

Gabriel and Jo went with Jimmy and me to see their little sister today, and they were so sweet peering into the isolette.  Due to her pneumonia and all the extra hook-ups that she had since she just received blood yesterday, they didn't touch her, but they asked a million and one questions about everything and just marveled at her tininess.

It's interesting what kids can adapt to.  It seems that because we, Jimmy and I, are at peace with Hazel Grace and all her wires and tubes, they, too, can look right past all that stuff and see the little girl that lies tangled up in them.  They don't seemed to be fazed by all the medical stuff in the least and more.  Hazel was kicking her little foot and Gabriel looked at me and said 'Look, Mom!  Baby Hazel is getting ready to get big and kick a ball!'

He asked how long it would be until she was big enough to play with him.  He is so sensitive and sweet, I think that he is aptly named Gabriel after the angel in the Bible!

(Just remind me that I said that when he is beating up my sunflower plant or breaking my butterfly yard decoration that I got from my sister for my birthday.  'Cuz I'm just sayin'...sometimes there's nothin' angelic about that little boy!)

But this is the lesson that I took away from Hazel Grace today:

Things can be bad on the inside, but you can still enjoy the beautiful parts that surround the difficulty...


It's ok to enjoy yourself and have a good day even if someone you love is in the hospital.  It's ok to find contentment in their peace, and take it away with you and savor it for the rest of the day!

Sweet baby Hazel Grace...

you are so small and you barely even open your eyes, and yet, you, in your tiny playing card sized diapers and your 5.2 cc's per hour of food that fills your tiny tummy (intestines, to be exact), have so much to teach us all.

But the one thing that I can't wait to learn is this:

After all of this...the tubes and needles and drugs...who will you be, Hazel Grace, when you grow up?

I just can't wait!

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